My friend Toni was the person who first brought me to Burning Man 3 years ago. She always tells me the story of how she met her husband Ari there.

Those two have a marriage I admire. One filled with mutual respect, teamwork, and excellent communication. I haven’t spent much time with Ari but Toni always told me what a great husband and father he is.

This is them. I stole this photo off FB like a creepster.

This year Toni skipped out on the festival and stayed home with their kids. She encouraged Ari to go. We camped together with our mutual friends.

One evening it was just Ari and I. The rest of our camp had already left.

We hopped on our bikes and rode to the first stop. The music was a slow and loungy. I REALLY wanted to dance so after a couple songs I said, “Do you want to go check out somewhere else?”

He said, “How about we stay out of respect for the DJ? He’s only got a couple more songs.”

It would never occur to me that the DJ would care if two people left the crowd, but it occurred to Ari. He thinks of how other people would feel and he’s right – If I was up on stage performing, I would appreciate if people stayed in the audience. We remained open minded and swayed lyrically. I lost him in the crowd a few times, but he always came around.

When the set was done we hopped back on our bikes and rode out. Ari found it easy to understand me because I’m similar to Toni his wife. A go getter – eager to be efficient and get things done. It makes me good at my job but can work against me in other parts of my life.

Ari could feel my energy. I don’t know how many times he brought it to my attention to slow down. Even the most subtle moments, like when I was trying to open my bike lock, he would say in a respectful, observant way, “Hey, no rush,” because he could see I was forcing it. I laughed and said, “Do you often say that to Toni?” He said, “Only every 30 seconds.”

At one point he said, “Hold on. I feel like we’re chasing the night. Let’s try to connect, be present, and on the same adventure.”

He put his hand on my shoulder. I took a deep breathe, he took a deep breathe, and we both said, “Ok.”

I asked him where he wanted to go.

He said, “I feel like you’re looking out for me right now, which I like and really appreciate, but it’s important to me that you’re having fun too. You waited back there for me for about 2 hours. Tell me, what do YOU want to do?”

I realized how foreign this felt to me – Being on the same team. In the past either I was too independent in a relationship, leaving the other person feeling abandoned, or gave too much to the other person, losing my sense of self. I’ve never truly mastered the balance of giving and receiving.

The night with Ari gave me a glimpse of what it means to take care of your needs as well as someone else’s in a healthy way. I learned the best you can do is listen to the other person, and at the same time communicate what you need. The right person will understand, do the same for you, and be your teammate.

So what happened the rest of the night?

Although we tried to get on the same page, overall Ari was feeling mellow and I wanted to dance. After a few stops we agreed to part. He rode his bike back to camp to make tea, and I went out to look for heavy beats so I could dance like Channing Tatum. At least in my mind that’s what I look like when I dance.